The Woman on the Beast Read online

  “You just turned 13. Are you supposed to be driving?”

  “They lowered the driving age to 13 now.”

  “Wow. Really?”

  “Sure they did. Get in the fuckin’ car, Mom. SLOWLY! Don’t step in that pile of dog shit and don’t wrinkle your dress.

  SISTER ZONE PERKS

  Daphne was propped up on the grey leather sofa watching the news for the first time ever.

  Search parties had been combing the streets of Sterling Heights night and day and if there was a serial killer on the loose, she needed to know.

  Haiku and Sam were sitting on either side of her, wishing she’d turn the channel back to the football game.

  “Three little boys missing from Applewood? That’s terrible!”

  Haiku had never been known for compassion. “And what does that have to do with any of us?”

  “Haiku, I’m FROM Applewood!”

  “Since when did your fancy parents live in the white-trash ghetto?”

  “It wasn’t always like that. Applewood was a quiet safe neighborhood, but the bigger it got, the more drugs poured in and crime skyrocketed. Of course my parents were the first to migrate.”

  “Migrate? I believe it’s better known as white flight, Daphne.”

  Although Sterling Heights was only ten miles north of Applewood, its noble upper-crust citizens were experts at keeping people from Applewood out. The deposit for the cheapest apartment in Sterling Heights was $1000 dollars. Property taxes were chosen over sales taxes. Sterling Heights had no public school, only one private school so that even blue collar families could not afford to reside in the exclusive neighborhood. If an Applewood resident as much as staggered down a road in Sterling Heights, hundreds of 911 calls flooded the police station, and the person was immediately escorted out to the woods and dropped off like a stray dog.

  “Well, Mr. Sensitivity, since I went to the same middle school as those poor missing boys, I find it disturbing.”

  “Daphne, do you ever get tired of caring about everybody?”

  Ugh, you heartless dick!

  “NO! I don’t.”

  Not in the mood for petty conflicts, Sam intervened.

  “I’ll go join a search party tomorrow, Daphne, O.K.?”

  Daphne shot Haiku and evil look, “Thank you, Sam. I’m glad someone cares about poor missing children. We’ll go together!”

  “Hell NO!” Haiku and Sam shouted in unison.

  “I said I will go, not you. No way are we letting you roam around Wormwood, Daphne. Besides you’ve had the flu all week.”

  Sam brought her homemade chicken noodle soup everyday. Haiku gave her acupuncture treatments.

  They’d both assured her she’d never work again.

  She sighed.

  The sister zone has its perks. I just wish sex was one of them.

  Haiku outsourced his knowledge and supervised the execution of his designs over conference calls from his private office full of dirty empty coffee cups. Sam was the local handy man just to get out of the house for fun. He didn’t need the money.

  Daphne enjoyed setting small and easily accomplishable goals so that she was sure to always be a success and not a failure. For example, her greatest goal was to remember to brush her teeth every day.

  Haiku didn’t have to set goals. A goal, by definition, was something that a human set with plans to one day achieve.

  Haiku’s achievements came naturally with absolutely no effort. He couldn’t comprehend the concept of a goal or having a fear. He’d never felt fear and couldn’t understand why everyone else did. For this reason Daphne called him an alien behind his back.

  Sam, on the other hand, was clearly human. Once Daphne even caught him crying over a chick flick on Lifetime. Sam wanted a family and children one day. Deep in his heart, Sam wanted love.

  Haiku didn’t want anything but ancient Samurai swords and automatic weapons. He was always mysteriously disappearing and then reappearing, leading her to suspect he had a secret man cave somewhere.

  Probably a trap door hidden beneath a giant vase of peacock feathers.

  Haiku was a cold fearless warrior. Sam was a smooth talking ladies’ man.

  They both had their qualities, and at that point Daphne would have been grateful for a tap on the shoulder or three stabs and a finish, but there wasn’t a shovel in the world big enough to dig out herself out of the sister zone.

  THE VALLEY OF BOOBS

  When Atticus and Destiny stepped off the plane in the Valley of Boobs (as she now called it), Atticus had already arranged for a rental car pickup in addition to discovering the target location through his research.

  GHC were the leaders in high-level security firewalls. It had taken him hours to even discover them. They didn’t have a website. He’d had to go to the dark net and spy on computer hacker forums to get the name. He thought it was funny that GHC rhymed with THC. Those genius computer hackers probably smoked pounds of pot before participating in medieval reenactment battles.

  Atticus chuckled as he realized Destiny was right to call it the Valley of Boobs, and she would fit right in.

  Atticus practically had to hold Destiny’s hand in the airport.

  She was terrified by the slow moving treadmill that everyone used to avoid walking.

  “They look just like groceries,” she said with wide eyes, “human groceries.”

  Destiny was actually super funny when she wasn’t trying to be funny.

  When she came out of the bathroom she looked like she’d seen a ghost and she was shaking.

  “Dark forces are trying to stop us, Atticus. Right in the middle of my pooping, the toilet just magically flushed itself, just like Poltergeist. It scared me so bad I fell in the toilet. Then I tried to wash my hands, but the faucet didn’t have any knobs. Somehow all the other people got water to come out, so there must have been a button somewhere, but I was too embarrassed to ask.”

  “Dammit, Destiny. Your beautiful dress is soaked in toilet water. Thank God it flushed the shit before you fell in. At least now if we can get it dry and spray your perfume on it, it may be salvageable.”

  “I know,” she said through tears, “and I loved this dress. I told you dark forces were trying to stop us.”

  “Queen Mystery, as the Wizard in command I ORDER you to stop crying! I swear if black mascara streaks start running down your face, I’m gonna cut the other ear off.”

  “You’re right, great Wizard. I’m so glad you came with me.”

  “That’s because I love you, Mom.”

  She beamed.

  The happier he made her, the more magnetic her beauty would become. She was already uniquely beautiful. Adding joyful to that beauty would be a force to be reckoned with. She was as dangerous as an Austin Powers’ Fembot.

  He grabbed her hand and dragged her quickly through to airport.

  They were at the rental car in no time.

  Although it was reserved under Destiny’s name, Atticus had no choice but to drive. It was risky, but nothing was more risky than Destiny driving on the Interstate in eight lanes of traffic.

  As they pulled off and Atticus set the GPS, Destiny was full of questions.

  “You’re a male. What size tits should I choose? D? DD?”

  “DD.”

  It was a super inappropriate question for a mother to ask her son, but he played along in order to add to her happiness.

  “You can’t get your boobs, though, until you get your sandal in the door at this company.”

  “Huh?”

  “You gotta flirt with one of the guys at this company I’m taking you to. We may have to stay in the Valley of Boobs for awhile. He has to fall in love with you. He has to trust you enough to eventually give you access to his apartment. Nerds like that work day and night. One stolen laptop could change everything for us. The Wizard needs to know what they know, Mom. Then, once I know how to get through firewalls, I can steal a whole lot of money and buy you triple Z boobs if you want.”
r />   “Wow! I never even knew that was a size.”

  Atticus was weaving in and out of the traffic. He was careful to not go too fast or too slow. Of course GHC wasn’t locatable on a GPS, but he’d learned from the hacker forum that it was located behind a large industrial complex that manufactured motherboards for Dell. GHC was tucked away behind it and fenced in good. They would have to follow a car at a safe distance as it left the GHC gate. At some point the nerd would have to exit the vehicle, and that’s when Destiny would trip and fall right in front of him, spilling a cup of coffee on her dress so she could ask him if he knew where the closest sink was.

  It wasn’t likely those nerds got a lot of sex, and if they did, it was highly unlikely they got sex from a uniquely beautiful woman. The nerd would see her as random opportunity and try to stall to make a connection.

  The problem was Destiny needed training on what to say. He wished he could cut out her tongue, but that would take away her highly developed sucking skills, and being that those were her only skills, she might need them. He couldn’t tell her what not to say. She’d never remember anything. He had to put in place a fun new story that would make her happy and replace the truth in her antelope-sized brain.

  Otherwise she’d accidentally say things like, “Being a hooker isn’t as easy as everyone thinks, you know,” or possibly even, “Please tell me you know where I can score some quality smack in this town,” or “One time, when I was a little kid, I had sex with my half brother. I wouldn’t have done it, but I didn’t know he was my half brother. I sure hope I don’t have some retarded babies floating around out there that I don’t even know about. I’ve heard incest is what makes retarded babies.”

  He had to prevent that by giving her new, happier thoughts. He had to reprogram her like a Stepford wife.

  “O.K., Mom. You don’t get boobs if he doesn’t fall in love with you, so listen carefully. You’re an airline stewardess.”

  “A what?”

  “Never mind.”

  “You’re a school teacher – a sweet sexy school teacher that loves little kids and kittens. Kittens are your favorite.”

  “I do love little kids and kittens.”

  Sure you dumb bitch, that’s why you cracked my skull when I was five. Focus Atticus. Remember Ms. Mallory? Take control of your reality.

  “Exactly. You do love kids and kittens, so you’re not even lying. You love kids so much you became a school teacher, and every Friday you let all the kids bring their kittens or their puppies to school for show and tell.”

  “Oh wow. I am such a good teacher.”

  “Yes, you are. And, you teach art. So, your class gets to color all day long!”

  “How fun!”

  No nerd would be stupid enough to believe she taught a subject.

  She once said she thought the government was keeping all the airplanes to themselves and making everyone else drive the cars.

  She’d also ran out of the bathroom once screaming she’d just seen a hopping roach.

  Atticus was imagining something from an Alford Hitchcock movie, but what he found was a cricket.

  Art teacher was his only hope. The nerd would assume she’d slept with her professors to get through art school. He might then logic that if she’d sleep with ugly old men, he might have a shot.

  Here’s to hoping.

  “If he asks what brings you to Silicon Valley, tell him you were trying to visit your sister in San Francisco and got lost. You also lost your phone so now you can’t call her to get her address. If he says ‘you can use my phone,’ tell him that doesn’t help because you don’t know her number. It was in the contacts list on your phone. Since you don’t have a phone, you don’t have anyone’s numbers now.”

  “Poor me!”

  “Exactly.”

  Super hot damsel in distress.

  “WHEN he asks you if you’re married, tell him you were married all your life, but your husband just died in a bad car accident.”

  “Oh no! That’s terrible.”

  “It is terrible. You really miss him, but you have to move on.”

  Had he covered all the bases?

  “It’s O.K. to have sex with him immediately just make sure to say ‘I normally don’t do this.’ That’s what all pretty teachers say. Practice. Say it now.”

  “I normally don’t do this.”

  “Perfect. Now who’s the smart one, Mom?”

  She beamed.

  “Now, the last thing is very important. If you don’t remember this, you can kiss your triple Z boobs goodbye. After you have sex with him, YOU CAN’T CHARGE HIM FOR MONEY!!!!”

  “What? Really? But why would anyone have sex for free? That doesn’t make sense.”

  “Sure it does. People have sex for free when they fall in love. Do you remember that movie the Titanic?”

  “Absolutely. That was so sad when she floated off in that little raft and left her boyfriend in the water. I still don’t get why he couldn’t just sit in her lap.”

  “Did she charge him after they had sex, Mom?”

  Destiny tried to remember.

  “No.”

  “That’s because she really liked him a whole lot, and she wanted to have sex with him.”

  “Then why did she leave him in the water?”

  “Because if he sat on her lap, the little raft would have sank and they would have both died.”

  “That makes sense. Men are heavy.”

  She’d certainly had enough men on top of her to know.

  “So remember? He has to think you like him a whole lot so he will trust you. If you charge money he won’t trust you. If he doesn’t trust you, NO BOOBS! Then, after you guys have sex, wait until he falls asleep. You may have to spend the night. Final step: Rob him blind.”

  “Oh I’ve done that a million times.”

  “I’m sure. But, this time the Wizard COMMANDS you to not worry about taking money. We’re about to have plenty. The Wizard needs things like laptops, phones, and ipads. If he has a little square box plugged into his computer, then make sure to take that. I have a gigantic purse you can stuff it all in. Rich ladies have the biggest purses, and so it won’t even look suspicious. Not sure why their purses are so big unless they killed their rich husbands and stuffed them in there.”

  “How’d you get a rich lady purse?”

  “I stole it while you were falling in the toilet at the airport. It wasn’t hard. Her eyes never left Facebook for one second.”

  “I have the smartest son on earth.”

  “Exactly, so you have to do everything I say or you will have those floppy deflated air balloons boobs for life.”

  She gasped.

  “I will follow directions perfectly.”

  “That’s right, just like you do when you dye your hair.”

  “I’m good at directions. Poor Misty really messed up when she dyed her hair.”

  “I noticed. That’s why you’re queen and not her. The dark Prince of the World draws the line at a bad dye job. She can’t even follow the instructions on a Clairol box and she knows it. She had no choice to pass the crown to you. When the Prince of the World saw that bad dye job and those roots, he knew she wasn’t fit to be queen.”

  “I was thinking that, too. I just didn’t want to say it out loud. Poor Misty.”

  “Yes, poor Misty. Now, do you remember? What’s your job?”

  “Art teacher!”

  “Why are you here?”

  “I’m visiting my sister Misty in San Francisco, but I’m lost.”

  “Why can’t you use his phone?”

  “I don’t know her number. It was programmed in my phone. I lost that, too.”

  “That’s terrible. Are you married?”

  “All my life, but he’s dead now.”

  A little cold, but good enough. Destiny’s memory was rather enhanced now that her triple Z boobs depended on it.

  “If he’s too scared to kiss you and so you have to make the first move, what do you say?”<
br />
  “Hey, that’s not fair. You didn’t tell me!”

  “But what do all sexy school teachers say?”

  “I don’t normally do this?”

  “EXACTLY! Mom, you’re gonna have the biggest titties on earth. You won’t even have to try to fuck the whole world. The whole world will give you all their money, just to fuck you!”

  “It’s a miracle.”

  “Not yet. What are the two things you have to do?”

  She looked blank.

  He rolled his eyes.

  “Make him trust you enough to take you to his apartment.”

  “Oh, Atticus. All men do that anyway.”

  “True, so that part you don’t even have to worry about remembering. Then?”

  “I know! I know! Rob him blind!”

  Why wasn’t he surprised that she remembered that one?

  “Of his?”

  “COMPUTER STUFF!”

  Destiny was on fire. She was so in the zone it took her twenty minutes to realize they had parked the car.

  “Why have we been waiting here at this big gate?”

  Right as the words came out of her mouth, a nerd car pulled out. It was a white Toyota Prius. Nerds loved good gas mileage. Atticus had already passed over several Lambos and Porsches. He knew CEOs were nothing more than professional delegators born with silver spoons in their mouths. They made all the underpaid Chinese and Indian nerds do the hard stuff. Then, they took credit for all their hard work. That was practically the definition of CEO.

  C: Cock-sucking asshole

  E: Exploits

  O: Others who are less fortunate.

  That nerd probably wrote every bit of the framing code for the firewalls AND made the coffee. The stupidity of rich powerful assholes would always be their Achilles Heel.

  There motto is, if you want something done right, make someone else do it. I’m busy getting laid because I drive a Porsche. Meanwhile, the nerd in charge of staying up all night to protect the treasure is lured away when for the first time in his life he gets to have sex with a woman who doesn’t look like a Treasure Troll. No pun intended.

  Atticus followed the Prius at a safe distance.

  The Prius stopped at a Starbucks five miles away.

  What a shocker. People forced to work so much didn’t ever get to sleep. They needed a lot of coffee.